Ambivalence
by kidoairaku
Summary: [SessKag] CH 1: September 9th-I’m sure what he said next was supposed to fly clearly as a demand, but it came off soft and quiet. Even so, I felt somewhat intimidated by him, as if he was threatening me. "Who's Alex?"
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer:    **Inuyasha characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi.  Other characters are property of Kidoairaku.

**Rating:**         PG-13 (just in case)****

**Summary:**    [Sess/Kag] In the midst of (supposedly) realizing Sesshoumaru was definitely not the one for her, Kagome finds herself caught in a tangled web of emotions while settling their separation, perhaps finding herself to be falling in love with him all over again…

**Genre:            **Romance/Drama

**A/N:**            I'm actually quite a ways farther into this.  Maybe not exactly 'quite a ways'…but I've got up to half of chapter three written.  ^_^  I think this'll be centered on divorce, but my plans as of now are somewhat uncertain.  As for the other stories, I will write when I choose to, and I refuse to take requests for anything.  School's begun again, and that, of course, is always my main focus.

**Ambivalence**__

_Prologue_

August 2003

It was one event of many that would lead, eventually, to our separation.  I don't know why the date was so important to me; it just seemed to latch onto my mind and clutch at my memory unforgivingly, screaming its relevance.  In any case, I remember it clearly, as if it happened yesterday, when, in actuality, the event was long past.

September 9th.

I'd never forget that date for the rest of my life.  Why?  Why, I would ask myself.  To be honest, I wasn't sure _why_ it stuck out like a sore thumb among the 364 other dates in the year…

Which wasn't to say that I didn't have a clue; of course, I did.  A better way to put it would probably be why it mattered to me so much.  Of all the inane things to remember, the date my husband and I began to drift apart.  I shouldn't have cared…really, I shouldn't, but those numbers, 9/9, wouldn't leave me.

_Maybe_ it was memorable because those were unlucky numbers.  Of course, _that_ skirmish had to occur on the ninth day of the ninth month.  It was like destiny.

Destiny, my friends.

On one of the unluckiest days would come the unhappiest, ultimately, the worst day of my life, if you wanted to root it all down.

I don't know why I'm complaining…if the whole damn event _hadn't_ occurred, then I'd still be stuck with the bastard I dared to call my husband, soul mate, lover, confidant, et cetera.  For God's sake, I don't remember why I liked him in the first place!

Then again, I give myself this: I'm completely biased now that I've gone into the search-and-recover tactic.  It's gone on for a while, now…I've been digging frantically for everything I could possibly bat an eyelash at and turned it to his complete disadvantage.  I can even come up with something ridiculous on the spot.

I don't like the way he ties his shoes.

There were only two ways I knew of to tie a bow-slash-knot.  One was to do that strange loop around the loop and make another loop; that was the method I learned second.  The other was to make two loops and tie-slash-knot them—the way I learned first.  After all, the latter was simpler; it would only be logical for children to learn it that way.

I preferred that method—the Doggy Ears way, I like to call it.  I snorted.

And my dear, sweet husband did it the other way.

Well, screw him.

It was just another thing I found to not like about him.

Of course, there were more significant reasons—personality quirks and attitude workings that I just couldn't grasp.  _Why_ would he act that way?  _Why_ would he do that?  I just _couldn't_ understand anymore.

**WHY** was I freaking attracted in the first place?!

…Never mind…don't bother answering that…I knew full-well he had to be one of _the_ most eligible bachelors (before I snagged him, that is, heh heh heh…).

I ran a shaky hand through my hair, falling back onto the guest bed I'd taken over.  My eyes played over the unfamiliar, unnaturally clean surroundings; the room seemed to glow with the fact that it was not lived-in, that it wasn't _mine_.  Not that the furnishings weren't nice.  Hell, they were _nice_…

Maybe not my style, though.

There.  Another thing to pin on my spouse; after all, he owned the hotel-slash-resort we were staying at.  It was _his_ fault I didn't like the décor.

Sitting up rigidly, I cast a predatory glance around the room once more, as if something, maybe some_one_ would jump out at me.  Having determined it safe, my legs carried me to the sliding glass door that opened to a wide balcony.  I found myself at the balustrade, head in my hands.

What was happening to me?

What was driving this inexplicable force that dogged me into pushing myself away from him?

I loved him!  I…used to love him so much…I'd give anything for him…

I'd do anything to make him happy…

I didn't know what was right anymore—truths, lies, they all blurred together in my mind.

Why couldn't I be happy with him?  Why couldn't I _forgive_ his human flaws?  No one's perfect; everybody knows that…

I took a deep, shuddering breath, attempting to regain my composure.  Of course, it was a lost cause.  I'd lost what I had left of my composure about a week ago, on September 9th.

Opening my eyes, I gazed through my fingers, still splayed across my face as my elbows rested on the railing.  "Do I love you, Sesshoumaru?"

"Kagome."

His voice always had the ability to slice through all my thoughts, though the effect hadn't been as violent before our emotional separation.  I wasn't sure if I could even officially call it emotional separation.  I still felt, deep down, very much attached to this man, the man I supposedly loved.

I wanted to say it, to tell him I loved him and that I didn't know what was going on with me, to ask him forgiveness.  Instead, my warmth seemed to drop a few degrees when I heard the door shut behind him.  I swiveled around, narrowing my eyes, former feelings thrown violently to the wayside.  "Don't you ever knock?"

He leveled his notorious impassive stare my way, not bothering to grace me with an answer.  Fine.  "It's my hotel.  I do what I want."

"Oh yea?"  I countered, taking a few steps toward him, "it's _my_ room."  My arms were crossed, and I was standing stiffly; it was just one of those things I did when I _did not_ feel open to any sort of conversation—my way of closing myself off, steeling myself from any unwanted…_things_.

His eyes narrow as well, and I couldn't help but feel a smudge of satisfaction.  _That's right, I thought, _don't you hate me?  Aren't I the most annoying bi-__

"Are you settled enough to come down to dinner?" he questioned.  Although, the tone he used seemed to bounce like a demand, I observed.

I huffed.  How _dare he interrupt!  "Why would I go to dinner with you?"_

"Do you find your accommodations suitable?"

Closing my eyes, a sadistic grin planted on my face, I snorted.  "I hate them."

He seemed unfazed by my bold declaration.  "Would you like to be moved to my room, then, Kagome?"

I abhorred the way I phrased things to his advantage.  Demand after demand after conscious demand, all hinted with that characteristic arrogance of his.  I was tempted to mouth off a ridiculous remark that would leave him utterly baffled.  Something like, 'I blow my nose at you!'*  I didn't do it, though, opting instead for glowering at him.  "Do you have a _point_ in coming and bothering me at this ungodly hour?"  In truth it was only seven o'clock, but what the hey,  I could be an early sleeper if I wanted to.

Sesshoumaru quirked a perfect brow at this.  "I believe I asked you to dinner."

"Whatever.  I'm not going."

And that was that.  I turned my back on him and resumed my place at the balcony railing, lifting my eyes to the starless sky.  It was a clear navy color, which, I guess, was an improvement over Tokyo's black abyss.

I didn't have to remind myself that we were 'vacationing' in San Francisco.  Actually, we were here on one of Sesshoumaru's business dealings.  The trip had only turned out to be the R and R from hell after _September 9th._  There it was again, that date…  I dropped my head miserably into my hands, a position akin to what I was typically to be moping in.  I felt so tangled…so lost…

By the time I'd registered the fact that he'd snaked his arms around my waist, I was already turned about-face into his embrace, clutching his shirt desperately as tears leaked from my eyes.  I wasn't sure what it was that I said at the time, so drunk was I in my despair.  Maybe I spewed out 'forgive me' crap, 'I'm sorry', 'I love you; you know I do'.  All of it was a blur.

In any case, we ended up on the guest bed in our birthday suits, me still curled up in his arms the next morning.  When I woke up, I pried his arms off carefully, remembering he was a light sleeper, and made my way to the shower, where I promptly reverted to my 'I-Must-Hate-Sesshoumaru' plan.

`        `        `

I found out I was pregnant two weeks later.

**A/N:    **Thanks for reading!  I understand that Kagome is being very uncertain (look up title for further guidance), but I think it's somewhat necessary to the storyline.  The whole point is for the piece to feel maybe broken and desolate, more lost than not.  For the next chapter, I clarify September 9th, and though you might not find the whole event stimulating enough to arouse all this conflict in her, it's supposed to be a confusing story.  Well, somewhat confusing.  I hope you liked it though, and I'd appreciate reviews!  ^_^  Thanks again!

*-the line was taken from "Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail."

_-kidoairaku___


	2. Chapter One: September 9th

**Disclaimer: **Inuyasha characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi. Other characters are property of Kidoairaku.

**Rating:** PG-13 (just in case)****

**Summary:** [Sess/Kag] In the midst of (supposedly) realizing Sesshoumaru was definitely not the one for her, Kagome finds herself caught in a tangled web of emotions while settling their separation, perhaps finding herself to be falling in love with him all over again…

**Genre: **Drama/Romance

**A/N:** ^_^ Thanks for the love, people! =) O.o Also, there seem to be an alarming number of people making references to Monty Python…=_= Me, me, all alone thinking it was nearly the dumbest movie in the world. *sigh* Don't hurt me!!! *holds hands up in surrender* And, um, I'm not sending e-mail updates for this one…unless, of course, you happen to be on the kagsess list…or Alyson Metallium's…I think…I'm not sure; I quite a whole bunch of lists because of e-mail cluttering reasons…sorry! =(

* * *

**Ambivalence**

_  
Chapter One: September 9th_

August 2003-September 2003

_I smiled, running the towel over my collar. "I know what you mean. It's hard to find a private moment these days, since, you know, what with Sesshoumaru being one of those high-class CEOs…" I trailed off, realizing I sounded stuck-up. I couldn't help it, though; it was the truth._

_"Go on," Alex urged, waving a hand as if to dispel my unease. "You're not stuck-up. Don't worry."_

_God, I loved this girl; it was like she could read my thoughts. Granted, it wasn't always the best thing, especially when I didn't _want_ her to be reading my thoughts… Sometimes I wondered if she was psychic…telepathic…one those mind-reading people. She really was an amazing woman._

_"Well, there's really nothing more to say," I offered, shrugging. "Another lap?"_

_She shook her head 'no'. "I think I've had enough for today."_

_"Okey-dokey; whatever you say. Let's hit the showers then!" I watched for her confirmation and, upon receiving it, flashed another smile and extended my hand. "Ladies first."_

_My friend rolled her eyes. "Har-har. You know you have quite a bit of refinement yourself, Kagome."_

_"Not as much as you, though, might I care to point out." She walked past me, and I followed, sliding the glass doors to the pool room shut. Water dripped onto the plush carpeted floor as we walked, staining it with dark chlorine-filled specks._

_"Hard to believe, huh?"_

_I glanced at her curiously, wrapping my towel around me. "What?"_

_She nudged me suggestively, her periwinkle eyes twinkling. "You managed to snag a husband like Sesshoumaru!"_

_"So?"_

_"S-So?!" She sputtered, stepping back in disbelief. "Look at this!" Alex made a wild gesture with her arms, encompassing the air in all directions. "This is his _house_! It's not even in his country of residence! This is _THREE THOUSAND MILES _from home!"_

_"Oh." I made a noncommittal gesture._

_Her eyes scoured me skeptically. "Girl, you don't know how lucky you are." Her hand flickered past her ear—a habitual movement, I guess, flipping her hair. Of course, it was a pointless gesture since her auburn hair was plastered to her head._

_"Well," I sighed, clasping my hands, "I guess I _am _lucky. After all, it's not everyday a gorgeous man asks for your hand in marriage." I paused. "Actually…it was more like a demand…"_

_Alex whistled, nudging me again._

_Fighting the urge not to smile, I shot a halfhearted glare at her, blushing. "Believe me, it wasn't so funny at the time. I mean…" I was going into 'ramble mode'. "What kind of guy demands you marry him? Okay, don't answer that. An arrogant one, duh. A confident, spoiled one."_

_"Oh, I would trade you any day!" she interjected, taking on a dreamy gaze. "To be married to Sesshoumaru…"_

_"Not on your life!" I retorted, crossing my arms. "I—"_

_"Is he any good in bed?" she interrupted, looking at me eagerly._

_I couldn't tell whether she was joking or not; either way, I blushed, grating her name in a scolding tone._

_"Just kidding, just kidding." She held her hands up submissively, turning to open my bathroom door. "He's probably a natural!"_

_"Alex!"_

_"Joking!"_

_I huffed, stalking past her into the immense washroom. Sometimes, I had to think Sesshoumaru really overdid it with the money…this house was probably just as nice, maybe even nicer, than the one he had back home in Japan. Crazy, crazy man._

_"You going first or me?" I queried, throwing the towel in the hamper. I knew Alex didn't particularly like to shower in any other bathroom than mine, and I didn't mind._

_"Ah, you go ahead, Kagome. I'll hang out in your closet."_

_I snorted. "Bring me some clothes, won't you?"_

_"Sure!"_

_Sighing, I slipped out of my swimsuit and stepped into the shower. _Darn_, I thought, _I forgot to buy more of that special swim shampoo…__

_When I heard the door click open again, along with the soft thump of clothes dropping, I shouted my thanks to Alex and continued with my showering. Awhile later, the door clicked again, and I assumed my friend had plopped down with a magazine, most likely sitting on the bathroom counter. Sesshou was probably coming home soon…from one of his business meetings…_

_"Hey Alex, I think you should leave before Sesshou gets home," I called. "He—"_

_The shower curtain was jerked to the side, and I snapped my head around, instinctively crossing my arms over my chest and stepping back. Thank god, it was only Sesshou. I was about to crack a playful joke when I caught his expression._

_He wasn't happy._

_I'm sure what he said next was supposed to fly clearly as a demand, but it came off soft and quiet. Even so, I felt somewhat intimidated by him, as if he was threatening me._

_"Who's Alex?"_

_It surprised me. Did he have a problem with Alex? I ticked through a list of traits he wouldn't like, maybe wouldn't approve of, and, finding none too serious, glanced at him questioningly._

_"A friend," I answered, perhaps a little defensively._

_His eyes narrowed in what I recognized as suspicion. "What kind of friend?"_

_"Do you have something against Alex?" I snapped, stalking past him for a towel. I heard him turn the water off behind me as I wrapped up in the cloth._

_"I want to know who Alex is."_

_I attempted to calmly dry my hair. "Alex is a friend, I told you!"_

_"What kind of friend?" he repeated._

_Boy, he was really being a bitch about this. Then, it hit me. Alex just happened to be the name of one of his fellow CEOs—a rather flirtatious one at that. No wonder he was suspicious…_

_In the course of my thought-sorting, he'd grabbed my wrists and forced me against a wall. His grip was definitely not comfortable, and he was invading my bubble, I thought irritably. I suddenly felt the need to egg him on._

_"Are you jealous?" I taunted, nonchalantly averting my gaze._

_"So what if I was? Would it change your answer?"_

_I glanced at him askance. He said it all very coolly, as if it didn't matter at all, but that, of course, was belied by the simple fact that he was holding me against the wall for some answers._

_"It might," I grinned, turning back to him. It should've helped that my face was lit in humor. Obviously, though, it didn't; he was still staring at me expectantly. What was his deal?_

_My expression must've dropped; he looked clearly taken aback. "Do you honestly think I'd cheat on you?" I whispered. Did he think me unfaithful? Ungrateful? Untrustworthy? I'd given him my vows… To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part…those were the words I lived by… Did he think I would forsake him?_

_"Do you?" I prompted, gazing at him expectantly._

_There seemed to be insecurity flickering around in those exotic eyes of his. He didn't know. He wasn't sure. His hold on my wrists loosened significantly, enough so that I could loop my arms around him. I buried my face in his neck, not caring that I'd gotten his Armani suit wet. "Till death do us part," I murmured._

_"Hey Kago—"_

_Sesshou stiffened at the sound of Alex's voice, and I smiled into the material of his suit. "That's Alex."_

_"Um," came my friend's voice again, "I'll just…borrow some of your clothes and be on my way then." I heard a nervous chuckle before the door clicked._

_"Alex…"_

_"Yup. Alex." I gave him a reassuring peck on the cheek and excused myself to get dressed. Glancing back, I found him to be looking at me strangely. I couldn't place the look at the time, and, without a second thought, I skipped off to my closet, where Alex was still changing._

***

And I still couldn't place the look. It should've been a happy memory, one of those 'revelation' moments in my married life with Sesshoumaru, but it wasn't. Or rather, it didn't turn out to be. Somehow, I'd managed to build on that…in all the wrong ways.

I knew I was being a complete bitch. It was crystal clear in my eyes. Other people probably didn't have the highest opinion of me anymore, either. Oh, it was like being a teen all over again. All my complaining was making even me sick. I had no idea how Sesshoumaru was putting up with me in the way he did.

The rest of our time spent in California was rather uneventful. We were both quite stand-offish after I found out I was pregnant. Which, I think, was a good thing because it gave me lots of time to cool down. Also, I was beginning to explore the wonderful quirks of expecting; my already sour character was taking another dip. Things like that weren't good for a baby, you know.

Of course, I went on the eating spree. Four to seven meals a day. I was inflating like a balloon. Then again, I guess it made up for everything, since I lost tons of weight before…it just all kinda dropped off…

Oddly enough, in the course of my gestation period, I felt my harsh feelings toward Sesshoumaru ebb away. It seemed only a matter of time that we got back on our relationship track smoothly, and I'd become the Kagome he married once again. After all, taking care of myself had taken more than enough precedence over my 'Find-A-Way-To-Separate-From-Sesshoumaru-Feasibly' idea.

I only hoped all thoughts of it would stay away from me as I attempted to recover my tangled feelings. Undoubtedly, the bulge in my stomach would help me with that…

  


* * *

**A/N: **In answer to all the people saying it was really unclear…first, I'm really sorry. =( Yes, Kagome is married while we're going along; I understand the POV from which I'm writing can be a little mixed up. And…hm, I don't think I have any particular reasons for their hating one another as of now…it's just…that's the way it is…I'm terribly sorry. =( She's being a bitch, I know…*sigh*

With that business covered, I send kisses to all those who review. *hopeful smile* Please? LOL. =) Thank you for reading!

_-kidoairaku_


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